I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
