Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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