No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
