So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
This toilet bowl is my home.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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