Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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