Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
