They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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