just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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