someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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