I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
