I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
