Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
