Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
