dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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