after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Send help, water and tortillas.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
