i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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