In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
