Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
