I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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