True but thats because hes a fetus.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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