I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize