At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
false alarm, still single
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