I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
