i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize