Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
