Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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