if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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