My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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