you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
