It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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