Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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