I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
