So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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