Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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