i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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