Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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