The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
