That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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