Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
