I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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