If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
