this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize