I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
