She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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