You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
