guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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