mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
