this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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