Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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