Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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