i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
