If i come over, it means nothing
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
