omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
