Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize