Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
