Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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