I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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