not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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