i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize